Thursday, May 30, 2013

4.5 weeks out

Height: 5'10". Current Weight: 130 lbs. We are 4.5 weeks out from NPC Bikini-San Jose Fit Expo. 10.5 solid weeks into cutting.

Today's Topic: Femininity and Muscle
This post may be a little more negative that usual, but I promised I would write about both the good and the bad on this blog. Also, sorry for the weird lighting in the was cloudy and then sunny and the light was just NOT working with me...hence the multiple lightings.

When I started this journey, I wanted to lose weight and regain the confidence I once had in my body when I was athletic and healthy. I had made it a goal for myself last year--a New Years Resolution of sorts--to get back on the fitness bandwagon and get into the best shape of my life. But it wasn't until September of last year, and a couple days after my 22nd birthday that I realized how far I'd let myself go in my self-wallowing and food-worshipping. I gorged myself because I thought "I deserve this...I work hard." I didn't take care of my body because I had come to grips with my "curviness" and had made justifications for my love handles. Because I was too lazy to think about going to the gym, I made excuses why I stopped practicing yoga and stopped running or doing P90X. But September 29th, 2012 I reached out to an old friend who showed me the ropes when it came to calorie tracking and MyFitnessPal. I ate around 1450 calories for the next 2 months straight and lost a whopping 18 pounds. It was then that I realized that a half-marathon was not going to be in the cards for me...throughout those two months with the motivation on Instagram and in the gym, I realized that lifting (and the powerlifting movements specifically) were going to be my ticket to the body I always wanted. I know that muscular feminine bodies are not for everyone, but the backlash I received almost immediately from anyone outside of the fitness community was a bit overwhelming--"You're going to look manly." "You're going to look so bulky." "Muscle on a woman is not attractive." But I pushed on and persevered and now after 8 months of serious dedication to this lifestyle, I'm loving my body more and more every day. I have a good friend who I send progress pics to who always replies with the snarky "put down the weights, so bulky, so manly" just to point out how FAR from manly I do look. I'm still curvy, I'm still feminine, I'm just lean.

With that being said, even after months of my posts online and changes in public (and of course in private in my heart) I am still surprised by some of the negative comments I get from those who either don't understand what I'm doing, don't care to understand, or just want to feel better about themselves by shooting me down. I still get the comments, ALL THE TIME, like "Wow, maybe you should eat something." Are you joking me? I eat 6-8 meals a day, 1900 calories a day, of good, clean, whole foods. NO I'm not going to go out and feast on fries and milkshakes and desserts...because I don't treat my body like a waste basket anymore. Eating to SPOIL myself is NOT conducive to my goals and aspirations. And while I appreciate the sentiments behind it--I know people are just trying to say that I look good now and I should just "treat myself"...I don't see eating horrible food as a way to "treat myself". I see less cardio as a way to treat myself. I see avocado, or that extra Quest bar, or maybe a couple ounces of fat free frozen yogurt as a way to treat myself. I see food DIFFERENTLY now. And I'm not going to sit here and say I will never have a piece of cake again or that after I walk off stage when I'm done my show I won't go have an epic cheat meal before I return, QUICKLY, to a clean diet. But that will be a RARE circumstance that only comes once I really should reward myself for having the courage to compete in this competition. This is a lifestyle. I don't starve myself. I love my body and want to take care of it the right way. Here's an example of something I had for lunch yesterday. Keep in mind, I eat 6-8 mini meals like this a day. Veggie Patty with hummus, egg whites, and sweet potato with cinnamon.

Recently I was explaining to a group of colleagues what I love about lifting and how it makes me feel. I was describing the exhilaration of getting a pump and watching the vascularity begin...first my hands, then in my forearms, and then all the way up to my delts (which are becoming more and more striated!). Watching the body lean out and really PUMP that blood through your veins is such a crazy's addicting. Anyway, one person interrupted me and literally said "Ew. That's disgusting. Gross. I run, but wow, that's gross." I mean, okay. Maybe blood and veins freak you out? Maybe what I'm saying doesn't make sense to you? But for this person to openly call me / what I like disgusting? I don't know. It's discouraging to say the least, but I was explaining to a friend last night that it's this type of crap you just need to shrug off like a bad coat. Or, perhaps use it as fuel for the next workout. Not everyone is going to understand or support you, but you're only responsible for your own heart and do what works for you and don't let the bastards get you down.

Feeling: Bloated... wah. We need to get the bloating situation under control. Hopefully a few days off (leaving for Santa Cruz today) will be a good time to focus on rejuvenation and some dehydration. Saturday will be 4 weeks out...that's when we will make the big decisions for the show!


  1. I'm a girl about your age & I just want to say you look great. I came across your story on reddit & it lead me here. To say your story motivates me would be an understatement!! Keep up the good work, and good luck at the competition!

  2. Your abs are coming through so well now! I love visiting your blog when I need a little inspiration :) I know it's getting close to competition time so I wish you the best, good luck!