Saturday, June 1, 2013

4 weeks out



Height: 5'10". Current Weight: 130 lbs. We are 4 weeks out from NPC Bikini-San Jose Fit Expo. 11 solid weeks into cutting.

Today's Topic: Being Honest About Anxiety
Hi, my name is Ilyssa and I have anxiety attacks. My whole life I've struggled with them--especially in times of high stress--and I know they're coming when I feel as if I've had ten cups of coffee and cannot fall asleep without waking up a million times a night despite my feeling "sluggish" for a week or so leading up to them. My last major anxiety attack was July of last year. It happened in the middle of a restaurant, and I just couldn't catch my breath. So it's been a little while, and I've been doing good spiritual work since September in order to avoid such situations of over-exertion and lack of control. But, last Friday I was deadlifting with my coach and I felt unusually sluggish. I thought, "Well...maybe I'm just tired from this past week of essay writing and all-nighters." Went to a wedding last Saturday and felt fine, worked Sunday, Monday and felt tired but pretty good. Tuesday I didn't want to get out of bed and I watched a ton of Netflix to occupy my time--instead of yoga, instead of exercise--I just wanted to veg out. That is SO rare for me, and I think that's when I knew I felt off. Started my period way ahead of schedule (2 weeks early?) and was pretty positive that anxiety was going to creep up on me. Wednesday I toughed through it at work, but Thursday and yesterday I had so many waves wash over me that this morning I woke up and almost cried. Why does this happen to me? Why do I let myself be the victim of over-worrying and why do I invest so much negative energy in over-analyzing my situation? Over-achiever. Straight A student. 3 sport athlete. Graduate student with an MA by 23. Aspiring Fitness Model. I have to be leaner. Stronger. Better. But, do I? What's the benefit in being wound so tightly that I explode if provoked?

So here I am, back at the Sedona Method my therapist taught me a long time ago. My emotions are SEPARATE from me. I am NOT my emotions. I am not Anxious. That would be personifying and giving life to something that is not alive. A part of me feels anxious. So what do I do with that? Well for me, today, I felt as though I had to go through some sun salutations and vinyasa flows. I woke up, I moved through chaturanga dandasana, Warrior 1, open-palmed Warrior 2, and Reverse Warrior. Both sides, a couple times. Had coffee with a fantastic friend of mine who I've missed dearly (she's gonna be a psychiatrist!). Then went to practice and deadlifted AND overhead pressed. Came home, called my Dad and then my brother. Both of them have dealt with depression and anxiety for years. Depression in particular runs in my family--I lost a cousin to suicide, and my grandma and great uncles have all had severe depression. My brother has been clean and sober for 2 years because of Christ's love and rescue, and my Dad has been free from major depression since he came out around seven years ago. My Dad was really honest with me and suggested that it might be helpful to get me on some anti-anxiety medication to see how much of my issue is chemical and how much of it is situational. I don't see myself as sick or having a disease. But I do know that with my genetics, and my need for control, that it's best to be hyper-aware (how ironic) of my anxiety so that I can better learn to see the signs. Something my brother said today that really impacted me was that once he stopped TRYING to fix his anxiety and depression, and just realized that God has already FREED him from it, and that he just needed to acknowledge and step out in faith knowing that he was free, that's when peace really fell over him. My brother said that he would, at first, find moments of peace but then worry that the fear and anxiety would come back...and so began the cycle of self-fulfilling prophecies. I have no need for that negativity in my life. Writing these things down now is such an affirmation of the place I've come from and the place my heart now resides. Open. Willing. Free.

Feeling: Better. Spent time with two of my best guy friends tonight, ate some wholesome food and went to watch Fast & the Furious 6. Missed those boys dearly. They always cheer me up! Really spent some time breathing through my circumstance, calming my heart and mind, and using the comedy of the day (they do this stupid dance that makes me wanna pee myself) to help me focus on the joy I have inside of me.

5 comments:

  1. That is such a good attitude that the anxiety is just a part of you and isn't you. I also suffer from anxiety and have been like that my whole life. For me the anxiety usually is just prolonged instead of having a serious attack, it's more like I just go into "fight or flight" mode and stay there for days at a time. A few years ago I really didn't want to get on anti-anxiety medication but I was going to therapy because of other issues and my therapist noted that I always seemed on edge and couldn't even relax while I was there, and I had started to get OCD behaviors attached to my anxiety (checking my door locks over and over, even getting up in the middle of the night to check them, installing locks on my bedroom doors, checking to make sure the oven was off.) it was so weird. Anyway I ended up on medication for just a few months and felt SO MUCH BETTER and now I've been off the medication for years but I still feel like it helped me so much because it showed me how it would feel to not be so anxious, before that I thought it was just something I always had to deal with. Now when I feel anxious I can tell myself "You don't have to feel like this, there are things you can do that will help you feel better." and then I do them. Medicine might help you even if you only take it for a little while. I hope you feel better!

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    1. Thank you so much for this. I'm really sorry for what you had to go through, but obviously it's changed your perspective on your mental health and you've been able to grow because of the work you put in. I'm going to pursue medicinal options--if just to take the edge off or to figure out how much of my anxiety is situational and how much of it is chemical. <3

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  2. Ilyssa - I responded to you on reddit, but I wanted to also ask how your lifts are doing these days? Sometimes I like to channel the energy into the lifting and it helps with anxiety about body and progress. Is the gym still fun?

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    1. Hey Julia! Thanks for asking. My lifts are actually increasing. I benched my PR for 4 last week. My squats are so much better due to my far better range in mobility, and my deadlifts are actually out of this world (I pulled 215 x 3 without even really trying, recently). I'm really proud of those "n00b gains" considering my weight has dropped so significantly. Thank you for asking!

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    2. Wow, great job!!! Actually this is reassuring to me. I've been trying to cut and when I see my gains in the gym still happening, I wonder if I'm eating too much, since everyone says gains aren't possible while cutting. It's definitely slower though. Anyway, congrats!! Keep it up!

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