3.5 weeks out

Height: 5'10". Current Weight: 130 lbs. We are 3.5 weeks out from NPC Bikini-San Jose Fit Expo. 11.5 solid weeks into cutting.

Today's Topic: Gratefulness and Self-Sacrifice
Well this week didn't turn out as I had planned, but that's okay! Life surprises you and throws you through a loop just to show you how strong you are in the first place. The past few days have been a fantastic time for me to refocus and regroup, and remind myself that I'm ALMOST THERE. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. 12 years ago today I lost my cousin, a young man who we were so close to, to suicide. While it might be an easier pill to swallow to just post something like RIP, I miss you Randall, I think the fact that he took his own life DOES need to be mentioned from time to time because his story is an important one. He was so loved by everyone he came into contact with, even if he was being a little asshole...but we never saw the signs, and his impulsiveness led him to take away the most precious gift. I would do anything to see him again just for an hour.

But today, I am reminded of how grateful I should be for this life I am living. Through any kind of hardship, I have ALWAYS persevered. I've always made it to the other side even when the minutes dragged on like days, and I couldn't see any positive in a certain situation. But today, I know I've grown, changed, and matured as a young woman because the emotional hardships I went through in the past couple of weeks seem like minor blips on the radar. It's not even about using that negativity / emotional energy and repurposing it for fuel in the gym...because I just let the energy in those hardships wash out and away from me so I could start again, renewed and refreshed.

The blog post I wrote last time, when read in retrospect and after I got the input from several friends and Redditors, does indeed make me sound as if controlling my anxiety and doing personal spiritual work is like some kind of achievement. A Redditor recommended the idea of "Cutting Through the Spiritual Materialism" aka, cutting through all that self-help, meditation, zen, yoga, and so on and NOT letting it become a trap to feed my own ego. What I should REALLY be doing to help my soul, is to step outside myself and serve others. Even though this week didn't end up as I had planned, through the experiences I had over the past 6 weeks or so, I've learned that service is 10x more important than self (I'm so blessed to have met someone who really opened my eyes to that). I've always been "working on myself" and trying to be a better person. Focusing on yourself IS essential to growth, but true growth comes from giving away your time, energy and even money to other people--and doing it freely. How much more could I bless my own heart, if I don't bless the hearts of others? I don't want to just be a better person (internal, self-focused), I want to be a better human being (external, world-focused).

Feeling: Really good. Trusting my coach is going to get me to my final potential of LEAN before I compete. Tonight we are having a games night wherein I'm going to kill everyone in Settlers of Catan. Then tomorrow (Thursday) through Sunday morning I will be in Southern California! I'm so excited to see my family and friends; it's a trip that I've needed for a while. Plans to absolutely KILL it when I'm down there in terms of workouts / little bit more cardio / and a super clean diet. Already have my Quest bars, PB2 and preworkouts packed, and I'm (no joke) bringing my turkey tenderloin with me so that it thaws on the way hahaha. Broccoli, beans, apples, bananas, oats and my packages of quinoa/brown rice too. I have to get a separate bag just so I can check it all! Thank God Southwest allows you to check two bags! Dad set up a rental car for me down there too so it'll be nice to drive around freely and visit who I can. Tentative plan: Arrive in Orange County Thursday, drop off some stuff, head down to Murrieta Thursday night to see my mom. Travel back to Irvine/Orange County all day Friday. Workout Friday morning, see a few friends, maybe spend the night out there? Back down to Murrieta / San Diego Saturday. Leave Sunday morning.